Monday, May 26, 2008

Have you ever had one of those conversations with someone that is completely inappropriate, but still completely funny, at least to you and the person having it? I had one of those today with my friend Dean. I had mentioned how I read a book recently where a girl's boyfriend had disappeared for a week, driven out to a motel in the desert and shot himself in the head. I guess he didn't want to be around anyone who might stop him. But for me, it brought to mind the question, if you go somewhere like a hotel or a time share, and you DO off yourself in some messy way, is there an additional cleaning charge included? I would love to have someone ask those questions on their way checking IN, but they'd probably get taken seriously and the guys with white coats would show up. At any rate, because Dean and I were IM-ing when we had the conversation, I have the word for word transcript which I thought I'd share with you here. (If you happen to be someone who actually DID have to clean up a horrible mess created by suicide, don't read this - it will upset you, because Dean and I are both very, very sick).

ME: You know there are companies specifically designed to do that sort of cleanup. I hear those Mr. Clean erasers work well, though.

DEAN: Doesn't surprise me. I know there's companies that specialize in cleaning after flooding and fires. There's probably specialists for just about anything.

ME: You really gotta know your shit to know how to get brain particulate out of a shag carpet, you know what I'm saying?

DEAN: Yeah, grey matter's not the sort of job for a simple Dust Buster.

ME: Not to mention all the bone shards. And what do you DO with it? I don't think you can just go throw it in the dumpster or put it down the garbage disposal.

DEAN: Probably the same place they dispose of surgical goo and stuff.

ME: Right - dumpsters, right next to the fetuses.

DEAN: Like a bunch of recycling bins next to each other for different body parts. Neat.

ME: "Glass" "Paper" "Plastic" "Discarded Human Remains" "Used needles"

DEAN: Each one a different color so after awhile you don't even have to look any more when discarding.

ME: rofl

DEAN: Neighbors still stealing them though.

ME: Yuk. Or using them when their own are full.

DEAN: Homeless people carting them around...........

ME: This is starting to sound like one of Stephen King's short stories

At this point, the conversation just degenerated (if that's possible) into a more boring conversation about how unattractive Stephen King is. Again, we don't mean to offend. We're just two sick people who find certain things funny.


Anonymous James said...

Yes, there are companies that handle body clean-up ( Most cities contract with these companies for their services.

3:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've often thought of starting one of these types of businesses. I even looked into a school in Texas that will train all your employees in the latest hazmat protocols. You've got to get all kinds of certification to run this type of business.


9:57 PM  
Blogger LA said...

OMG, you guys. Get help.

10:35 PM  
Blogger Kelly J. Compeau said...

A dear friend of mine shot himself in the head right in front of me a few years back -- and, yet, I still found your IM transcript very funny. Does that make me even more sick than either of you?


9:15 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

"You Sicko, Fuckos!!!"

Susie Greene from Curb Your Enthusiasm

I did find that entire conversation entirely too funny. I am a sicko, fucko.

12:40 AM  
Blogger LA said...

OMG, Ryan, I love Susie Greene. I start laughing as soon as she's on camera. Everything out of her mouth is gold.

6:42 AM  

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